Things that I have learned from my relationships

Love is beautiful and love is precious. Everything you have ever done, every person you have ever met, every experience you have ever had is a part of who you are today; it shapes and adds layers to your being and depth to your soul. As I have approached near the end of my 20’s, there’s been learning that my relationships over the years have taught me and probably helped me being who I am today… So here it goes,

Everyone loves differently.

I blame all my rom-com movies and books for this! I have dreamt of anything & everything that books and movies suggested to me but I have realized, quite late in my life that that love can never be compared or generalized at any point in time. For each person, their way of expressing love and showing love is different and it’s all in the small insignificant gestures that make it special.

People change.

The same person you enter the relationship with, will not be the same person throughout their lives. With each passing year, just the way you’re growing a little older and maybe a little wiser, the same way your partner or even your best friends are also growing, and thus, they may change. All you need to have is an open eye to see and accept the change with glee.

Adjust but don’t compromise.

From a very young age, I was raised in a way and I have always been told that you have to compromise to make any relationship work. I believed the same but over the years, my experiences have taught me that you cannot be happy in a relationship knowing that you’re compromising every day! Adjustments come very naturally to most of us; when we are living with our parents, friends, roommates or even partners, we all adjust to the choices, preferences of the other persons; but the moment you have to adjust without your own will and wish, you’re no more happy and suddenly, it becomes a compromise and you can no more adjust.

Fights, arguments, and misunderstandings are inevitable. But, communicate.

Sun will always rise in the East and set in the West. Well, the same way, disagreements, fights, and misunderstandings are inevitable. There’s absolutely no way you can avoid them. So, if you take your partner’s words one way, then understand that they meant something totally different, discuss- don’t drag it. There’s nothing that can remain unsolved in the relationship by simply talking to each other!

Never drag your fights to the next day!

This is something very personal to me and but I can never go off to sleep with a heavy heart (Sleep is very important to me, period!). But over the years I have realized it’s detrimental both for your physical and mental health if you drag your fights to the next day. Hence, no matter how much you fight, you argue, try and end your arguments before you go off to sleep (even if that means you spent the entire night fighting!).

Know when to walk away and give space and when to stay.

After being in a long-distance relationship for several years, when I finally started living with my partner, one of the primary difficulty I faced is to not understand when am I supposed to stay to comfort the other person and when am I supposed to walk away and give the other person some space. It took a while for me to figure it out; still, I falter in making the right decision on times, but what in life, is not a work-in-progress!

Now, these are probably a few of the things I have experienced over the years with my love-hate relationships. But, being a psychotherapist, whenever I work with any couple I spend hours understanding the answer to one very basic question- the health of your relationship. Healthy relationships bring out the best in you and make you feel good about yourself. A healthy relationship does not mean a “perfect” relationship, and no one is healthy and perfect 100% of the time, but there are signs and behaviors everyone strives for in all their romantic relationships. To understand what a healthy relationship is, probably the following things matter the most to the majority of people:

  • Mutual respect and continuing support
  • Having a sense of trust and honesty
  • Clear communication and solving conflicts in a fair, open and healthy way
  • Independence within the relationship to make choice and decisions
  • Equality
  • Feeling comfortable and safe at all times
  • Empathy
  • Taking responsibility
  • Having fun at all times…

Lack of any one of the following behaviors might be considered as alarming signs of an unhealthy relationship. Still, there’s a few no-no’s in every relationship and these can be considered as warning signs for unhealthy relationships, such as,

  • Extreme feelings and over-the-top behavior
  • Unnecessary possessiveness
  • Manipulation to control one’s decision, actions or emotions
  • Isolation from friends, family or other people
  • Sabotage of one’s reputation, achievement or success
  • Belittling one in front of others and otherwise
  • Taking one for frequent guilt trips
  • Deflecting responsibility
  • Betrayal or infidelity

Relationships make our life beautiful, it makes us happy and it makes our lives a little easier to live.

Wish you find your One person you can spend the rest of your life with!

Clinical Psychologist, amateur writer, lifestyle enthusiast, passionate foodie & traveler. Connect- LinkedIn- mfine-